sitting amuck

a nasty headache.

that was what i had the whole day yesterday.

but aren’t all aches/pains nasty? yeah, but yesterday’s nasty in a way that it won’t go even after
three caps of tylenol extra strength. i took a nap hoping that it would go, only to wake up, still feeling it.

i retraced my activities the past 5 days… hmm… i haven’t been getting enough sleep. there were two pre-
27 parties that lasted till 3Am, one 27 dinner and coffee till 1AM, another post 27 gimik till 1AM. of course,
the pre-parties and post parties were followed by 9AM meetings the next morning.

i imagine my brain screaming— “you’re not lindsay lohan! enough of the all nighters!”

whereas such lifestyle never bothered me before, READ: there were no nasty headaches/ hangover,
now that i’ve aged, i think it’s pay back time.

aging…hmm… i have a lot of things to say about it, but i’ll be having lunch out with my family in 30
minutes. yup–another post 27 gathering.

so let me just list down the several things that i am thankful for on my 27th year alive.

1) family
2) friends — who i consider my most favorite thing to happen to me
3) being spared of the consequences that i deserve, being granted the things i don’t deserve
4) long, therapeutic walks in loyola and diliman
5) air liberalization
6) democratic governance
7) cool, quiet mornings downtime with just my books and cup of tea
9) silences that i understand
10) smiles
11) you

[for being on time.... ]

after the sleeping and the eating and the spending during the holidays:

the first week of work for the year got me swimming in an ocean of obscure documents that i need to make sense out of, got me missing a couple of lunches and got my hands a million papercuts.

the first weekend of the year got me breaking my resolution to completely throw out my long held belief in the healing/ rejuvenating powers of a new purchase.

i can’t help it, zara was on sale.

ah, shopping… i used to consider shopping as "stepping out in faith." i would tell myself, "go buy that pair of shoes/ jeans/ accessory/beauty product, God will provide. bills be damned."

so last sunday, after scouring all the shops for that item that would catch my fancy,(another side story: after going through the detox for obssesive-compulsive shopping late last year, i became more discriminating in my purchases, resulting to longer window shopping hours and to my soon-to-be boyfriend getting a panic attack at the mere thought of accompanying me to shop.), i took a break at my all time favorite  sanctuary.

and there i was, eating my chicken pesto wrap with my sanity drink, marveling at makati’s skyscrapers and trying to figure out what they will do with greenbelt 1.         

my sexy sliver rings. "Yo…"

"what time na nga is your wedding on friday?"

gaaaaaaddd… this is sooooo dejavu….

"i don’t know when i will get married. yung oras pa kaya. baka si elaine yung tinatawagan mo."

"oh, i’m sorry. si elaine ba? i thought you’re the one getting married."

"bye."

i wanted to throw my phone against the glass panels.

i’ve been getting into this dialouge since 2005. of course there have been variations.

right after my recent break up, some were asking if i’m getting married soon because they said i looked pregnant. i’m impregnated by the countless dinner/coffee nights with my ever supportive friends. (side comments: 1) see, much as i wanted to skin my ex alive for what he did, i just didn’t have the time. 2) no, i didn’t get a boob job, it’s all the pizza, ice cream, cakes and pasta that i ate for a whole month each night!)   

this morning, i had a meeting with my bosses.

one boss took one look at me and asked:

"haven’t you been sleeping?"

i can’t sleep, i said.

"why, are you also getting married na?"

no….. (grrrrrrr……)

3 hours of peace went by.

we need to have another meeting within the week.

"is thursday okay?"

"no,"  i answered.

"why, are you getting married din on thursday?" another boss asked.

"no. it’s my birthday," i said.

life does have a sense of humor.

this will have a point, i remind myself.

and i will remind myself of that everyday of 2007. 

it’s only the 9th day of the year….

ps. Lord, u owe me.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. [Paolo Coelho]

Four years ago, I planned to be married at the age of 26.

In 10 days, I will be 27. And guess what?

I am not married.

Unless I fly to Vegas this weekend…

***

Ah…plans…dreams…desires… all the anguish and waiting that come with them.

Just when I thought I have every detail of my life in control, life morphs into a tornado that tosses me up in the air and crashes me into the rocks.

For each tornado experience, I come out with a bruised ego because I realize for the nth time, that I am not God and that I need God.

***

Despite the turbulence in 2006, I can still say that it was a good year.

I finished my Master’s, enjoyed the graduation ceremonies and the summer vacation, had my article on the MDGs published, got a good post, met several new people, given new challenges at work, started expanding my network, deepened friendships with more people, learned so many new things about myself and I got to go to Thailand before the year ended.

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not as grand as the life of some of my contemporaries. But, as what I have recently learned, I am where I am because it is where I have to be.

***

2007 has 364 days left.

I must admit that at this point, things seem to be on a stand still. I just think of it as this, the better things are still on the launch pad. But they will come.

The waiting will have a point.  

Happy 2007 everyone.

(The photo is taken at the Suvarnabhumi airport. My flight back home was delayed by almost three hours. While waiting, I went around the airport, window shopped, took pictures, ate at Burger King, used the public internet terminal and finally, sat down to read. That is waiting. )